Well, home for me is a great place to retreat and to re-evaluate realities. Pondering my life within the back-draft of family gives me a clearer picture of what should it be like; of what I’m missing out; of what necessary steps I must take to get there. And indeed, there’s no other effective motivation for “getting there” than family pressure: gentle and compelling. I love my family:)
Though our family (or “the gang” as I fondly call them) is expanding with the recent addition of two new babies in the house, I cannot help but notice that something is lacking in the picture. The house felt a little empty these days. Perhaps I just missed the days when we were still complete; those times when my other aunt’s family were still within our family compound (I think one of the biggest in the area) and we still share the same house which we may consider as our ancestral house—our axis; the center which holds our family together. Perhaps it has lost some cheerfulness and innocent rumblings that has filled the house when my younger cousins were still there, that is before they totally move in to their house in Pampanga. And how it feels significantly different without my little cousins’ childish intrusions to my private reverie! Just when I exactly needed distractions especially on times like these.
Okay, so what’s the crux of this highly personal and melancholic rant? I seem to mature slowly—oh yeah that’s the crux! But I honestly feel secure and absolutely comfortable when my family is around. It seems that five years of studying in college and three years of teaching in which I am forced to be away from my family—I have not yet fully acquired the necessary strength to go beyond my comfort zones. I am still at a constant loss for strength when it comes to change. My deep aversion to sudden transition which puts me off-guard has been a weakness I’m trying to overcome.
It is just that moving on is an element of life that I have yet to master. Let’s just say for now that I am still freaked out by changes—and that, moving on—although I have already been accepting a lot of changes in my life for the last eight years since I studied and taught in college. Some of them actually were painful and staggeringly unbearable to accept, but looking back, I did come through them—or still in the process of coming through them. And I’ve decided for myself that I would move on and come out stronger and better person despite the odds and complications in my life.
I admire those people who do not flinch with the slightest thought of change. It’s as if I am the only one who is afraid of the reality of time and space. What happened to my logic was just as bewildering to me as my confusion to determine reality from illusion, or truth from fiction. Maybe I am just too careless and unconscious of my own existence that’s why things do not seem to make sense at all.
Isn’t it funny how I’m able to pinpoint my own mistakes and weaknesses and every other things that strangle me, yet I can not find the guts to release myself so that I may breathe? I know my shortcomings and where my misgivings are, but it tortures me to get rid of them completely.
I have already tried to leave behind what were unnecessary to my existence, and even though I know they still lurk somewhere near, waiting for my attention, I will never return to them. Perhaps it would be hard for me in the long run to leave some things that already defined my being—but it’s worth the shot. It’s not with these things that will define me, or my future, or yeah, my destiny.
And I don’t want these unnecessary things to take over the life in me.
The warrior in me will overcome. That's the only thing that will matter in the end.
No comments:
Post a Comment