A Three-year Love Story

It was, for me, a love at first sight.

I can still vividly recall the surging feelings that took over me the first time I laid my eyes on you. I was at a bus terminal waiting for the next trip back home when suddenly I looked over my shoulder and there you are, beautifully standing in the crowd of busy people coming and going in all directions. You stood out above the rest. Your body and beautiful curves was for me, way beyond standard. You possessed that combination of beauty and power and quiet rage.

The person seated next to me was asking what time it is already but I ignored her unconsciously because I was too focused on you. My vision zeroed-in on your direction and it seemed that time and space continuum didn’t matter: I’m stuck on you and I sat there frozen and unable to process my thoughts.

All I can think of at the moment was that I want you. I knew at that moment, I’ve fallen in love big time. I loved you already. 

I really want to approach you then, lay my hands on you, to see you closer and to feel you. But then my bus arrived and I had to go. I had to leave you. I said to myself that if it’s meant to be, we will see each other again. And that’s what I hoped for and desired.

That picture of you in that crowded place stuck in my mind. I never did imagine that it will feel like this. In my sleep, in my work, in all that I do, I see you. More and more the desire to be with you became stronger. It just wouldn’t go away. So I decided from that instance that when that day comes when we will meet again, you would be mine. So I asked people about you. I asked them where could I find you and they offered me very helpful information. You were just somewhere near and I’ve never been so happy.

I promised myself to do everything to have you. I worked hard. I disciplined myself in all areas so that I would deserve you. And with the help of other people closest to me and who have been supportive of this little endeavor, I’ve seen hope…and my dream of having you slowly became a reality.

And it did.

It was exactly three years today when we finally decided to be ‘officially together’. Of course I was the happiest person in the word when finally you belonged to me. It was so overwhelming and I couldn’t comprehend that it happened too fast. But I was thankful. I was so proud of you that I couldn’t help but to show you off to other people. I introduced you to my friends and they were so amazed and proud. And remember the first time I brought you home to meet my family? They too could not conceal the happiness. They were so proud of you. They were so proud of me.

And so we believed we would stay strong together. We were invincible!

 After three years and thousands of miles of journey later, we are still going strong. We’ve been together through the toughest and challenging times. Remember when we were caught by someone doing something we are not yet allowed to do? I almost freaked-out because I never thought it could happen to us—and I paid a considerable price for that.

But the most challenging moment for us was when we almost fell apart because of my own imprudence and recklessness. I became too complacent and too contended with just the two us that I forgot to pay attention to everything else around us. I forgot to pay attention to little yet important details and in return, we both suffered the terrible consequence. And that was just the first.

 Some concerned people advised me to give it a break, to back off and have some time to develop myself first. They told me that I’m not yet ready to take full responsibility just in case. They told me to just take it a little slowly, but I ignored their call. I thought them wrong. They just don’t understand how it felt whenever I’m with you. I feel free and alive. The progression of time when I’m with you just didn’t matter. We owned the world.

But then the second fall happened. Another reckless maneuver, another mistake, another breach in our journey together led to a terrible damage to both of us. It was a big and awful mistake, greater than the first we had. I was wounded and was badly hurt; you were disgraced and terribly broken. I tried to confront and reprimand the third party involved but it was the most uncivilized thing to do at that moment. All I had to do was to accept that maybe it was not yet time for us. That maybe I was going to fast and too furious. That it was all on me and my ignorance. I almost waved the white flag and surrendered…but then I thought it would already be too late to back off. I said to myself I must defend you. I must stand strong for both of us.

The damage had been done, and I’ve learned my lessons the hard way. But it was all worth it. Because it was during these tough times together that I learned many things.

I learned the value of patience and presence of mind, although sometimes I still tend to go beyond our limits.

 I learned that I can not make rules for us because there are always rules already there, and we can’t do anything but follow. We can’t do anything but to conform and go with the flow because that would be most beneficial for us. I learned that it is not just about us, it is about other people as well.

I learned to give way and let others first, especially when it is not my turn move and react, because I know it is the safest way. I learned not to take advantage of others, especially if they are bigger and stronger.

I learned to respect others and I learned not to get into the opposite direction. I learned that I should mind my business and always be conscious of my actions at the same time—because in just one small mistake, who knows it may be all over for us.

And most of all, I learned the value of caution. That in all that I do, the most important thing is to preserve both of us, to take things a little slowly, to be safe, and to take care of “us” at all times. 

I learned to hold on to us and to never lose hope of improving myself, because in the end of it all, what will matter will be the journey together, what will matter will be the distance and how far we’ve gone.

See now, we’ve gone a long way. Three years has been a long time to test each others loyalty and trust. Three years were enough to say we made a good deal out of our partnership. You gave a lot to me more than I gave you. And I want to thank you. 

I want to thank you for keeping up with me. I want to thank you for being there when I needed you, when I can not even carry myself.

I want to thank you because you have brought me to places I never thought I’ll be able to reach on my own. You allowed me to experience life in high-speed and you’ve given me a taste of freedom. 

You’ve been a great part of me now, and I can’t bear to see my life without you. Promise me you’ll stay.

Happy third anniversary to us, my baby HONDA DASH.

At dahil diyan, iti-treat kita ng Tune-up and Change oil! Oh you’ll definitely love that.

Cheers for the next thousand miles! :)

 

Me and my dashing Dash: Three years and counting. Cheers!

Sunset and Solitude

(Photo from the net)

The last rays of the sun creeps desperately through the clouds which hover silently and peacefully in the air. The afternoon breeze invokes memories and warmth of a lost childhood, of a fanciful melody playing at the back of the mind. The blue of the sky which for this time has turned pale orange—like soft ember in the furnace—reminds me of a magical transformation of something too staggering to even describe, or even imagine.

Silence.

 There is something too familiar with this. I remember more stories, like flashes of light dawning upon my innocence and consciousness. Well, sunsets don’t have to be too sentimental like this, but they do. It does when all I need to do is to look at the setting sun just above the vast horizon, and to just be still and contemplate the mysteries of life that I couldn’t actually fathom entirely.

Standing in a field and watching such panoramic splendor somewhat offer me an understanding of what lies beyond the grasp of human imagination, of what possibilities could there be in exploring the horizon which seem to be tauntingly infinite.

And I just love the breeze of the afternoon air, and the scene revealing at dusk: when all there is was the chirping of the birds that happily glide in the sky, perhaps, joining me in the celebration of the greatness of the scene before me, a celebration of the beauty of life. When all there is were the trees beyond, the grass beneath my feet, the faint sound of a motorcycle somewhere, the hum of the cicadas now becoming a tangible musical background joining in the harmony; and yes, the soft rays of the setting sun now silhouetting the landscape which is wonderfully laid before the horizon.

And there was the profound stillness, its assuring comfort, its magic, and its mystery.

When I have nothing to say because words have lost their meaning in such a humbling scene, I keep my mouth and my mind shut, and allow only my heart to speak and my soul to see.

It is such, O Lord, a wonderful world.

There was never an unfathomable mystery, after all.

 ______
“The heavens declare the glory of God; and the firmament shows His handiwork.” –Psalm 19:1

A Bumper Reminder

We were on the way home after today's bible distribution; the day's winding down, the traffic was building up, and the conversation with my Cell Leader, Kuya James, became a sweeping discussion on leadership issues, crises management, automobiles, jukebox music, seafoods, conspiracies and everything.

Then this simple and timely message I took time to shoot from a cargo truck ahead of us: "IN EVERYTHING YOU DO, GIVE THANKS TO THE LORD."

We will never forget

The day that changed a nation--forever.

Today is the 41st year anniversary of the Martial Law declaration
by Ferdinand E. Marcos.

Today, 41 years after, we are still under the shadow of protracted development; 

of power-hungry politicians that continue to ravage government coffers; 

of patronage politics and cronyism; of selfishness and indifference.

Today, 41 years after and we are still a nation
dependent on some foreign power; 

of culture that is not our own.

The evil king may have long gone; but the dragons are still here...
 lurking in every corner of

the Philippine society which is slowly being fed to monsters of our own creation.

Forty one years after and the heroes and heroines have long been dead.

And though the battle still rages--

the last Dragon slayer is still here...

Point of No Return

Waking up this morning, I was reminded of a Sunday sermon I heard in Assemblies of God Church in San Jose City, which talked about THE inevitable circumstance on which you'll come to a point that you realize some things in your life are out of synch and without proper perspective. It suggests that all circumstance should be viewed in lieu of God's sovereign and impeccable will, which requires our total surrender.

Surrender. Big word. Such a powerful word. Not in the temporal and earthly sense which shallowly view surrender as defeat; but in the eternal sense on which it commands courage and daring and triumph beyond compare. I know I've been consciously and unconsciously avoiding that word for so long, making sure that it won't manifest in areas of my life on which I want to be in control. I've been selfish and stubborn and was addicted to the idea that if it feels good, then it must be fine. But my realizations lately came crashing down on me. I cannot anymore deny the fact that my circumstances are now calling me to a higher level of surrender and faith and obedience. I cannot anymore contain the agony of suppressing the personal convictions that I hold so dear and so necessary to my existence.

You know, the truth is at some point, one must really decide on what directions to take. It takes courage to do that. It takes faith to step into the unknown. It takes conviction to once and for all decide whether you continue holding on to what is left and so hard to fix; or you must let go and give God every detail and allow Him to do the work of restoration and rebuilding.

I have come now to a point wherein I must let go of myself and let God come through in whatever circumstance. I believe that some things in our lives must be shattered so that it will reveal only who we really are and identify where our allegiance is. Some things must be broken so that with every little pieces you give to God, He will make it into something beautiful. Something beyond expectations. Eventually, all things will fall into their proper and rightful places.

So, am I shattered yet? Oh yes I am. Broken for God's glory

A Royal Scandal of Grace

Today in our early morning devotion we read and meditated on the first two chapters of the book of Ephesians. Just want to share some of the personal insights I learned from them.

Grace versus Moral Law and works

One of the critical issues in the bible that seekers like myself continue to be fascinated about is the argument of grace and works, whether Christian salvation results from the law and good works or by absolute grace. Conflicting arguments regarding this issue actually offers more intrigue than answers. But Ephesians 2:8-9 gives a resounding clarification and admonition: it is by grace alone through the working of faith which result to salvation; not works or by the operation of the law. Jesus' last words on the cross hammered in the last nail to this deadlock by publicly declaring "it is finished". 

The redemptive work of Christ on the cross and His blood which is offered as ransom, have broken the shackles of the law and liberated the people through the dispensation of God's grace.

Grace redefined

For some people, the idea of "only by grace" is rather absurd because it might make people complacent about their position in God by invoking this grace theology; abstaining from good works because as the bible says, “it is not by works”. But it must not be viewed as such. Good works does not produce righteousness and therefore leads to salvation; rather good works result from salvation we obtained from grace.

Christ’s solution defies conventional and mathematical logic. It is not Grace + Faith + Good Works = Salvation. It is Grace + Faith = Salvation = Good Works. If a person is truly saved, it will result to good works…it will result to a changed life. Salvation is not bought with our good works; Christ did that for us once and for all by giving Himself as an offering—“so that no one can boast”.

Faith with benefits

 But it doesn’t simply end there. Our salvation in Christ is not only a one time experience but a constant and daily journey—with an assured victory in the end. The Christian journey does not promise itself to be easy. Like other journeys, there will be obstacles along the way. But we are not without help. Our help comes from the Lord. Our victory has been won!

There are two words that I underscored in Ephesians chapters 1 and 2: Access and Inheritance. These two words for me characterize the exciting life in Christ.

Access: Through the redemptive work of Christ, the walls that separated us from God was torn-down (Ephesians 2:14). We are therefore brought back into God’s Kingdom, as citizens and children of the King. Through our faith in Jesus we became God’s children—that’s why the bible taught us to pray “our Father”. We were given full access as citizens of the Kingdom, with full privileges and titles.

Inheritance: As God’s children, we have an inheritance: eternal life that has been given freely to those who believe. We are partakers of a treasure that this world may never fully come to grasp. Through God’s grace we have been made “to sit together in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus” (Ephesians 2:6). This is too incomprehensible even for me, but God’s love leads me to believe that this is all possible. And I am more than amazed!

******

Grace, what have You done?

Murdered for me on that cross

Accused in absence of wrong

My sin washed away in Your blood

Too much to make sense of it all

I know that Your love breaks my fall

The scandal of grace, You died in my place

So my soul will live

Oh to be like You

Give all I have just to know You

Jesus, there's no one besides You

Forever the hope in my heart

Death, where is your sting?

Your power is as dead as my sin

The cross has taught me to live

And mercy, my heart now to sing

The day and its trouble shall come

I know that Your strength is enough

The scandal of grace, You died in my place

So my soul will live

Oh to be like You

Give all I have just to know You

Jesus, there's no one besides You

Forever the hope in my heart

And it's all, because of You, Jesus

It's all, because of You, Jesus

It's all, because of Your love

And my soul will live

-Scandal of Grace, Hillsong United-

The Only Thing That Matters

It was Thursday last week and having been caught by flu because of the erratic weather that I decided to leave the university and go home to my province. I thought to myself that it won’t be too much of a crime to leave my paper works (piles of them) in CLSU and relax a little. Besides, I badly need to unwind. Never been home in a long time. And I totally missed the gang at home; especially the kids—my 4-months old nephew and 2-months old cousin.

Well, home for me is a great place to retreat and to re-evaluate realities. Pondering my life within the back-draft of family gives me a clearer picture of what should it be like; of what I’m missing out; of what necessary steps I must take to get there. And indeed, there’s no other effective motivation for “getting there” than family pressure: gentle and compelling. I love my family:)

Though our family (or “the gang” as I fondly call them) is expanding with the recent addition of two new babies in the house, I cannot help but notice that something is lacking in the picture. The house felt a little empty these days. Perhaps I just missed the days when we were still complete; those times when my other aunt’s family were still within our family compound (I think one of the biggest in the area) and we still share the same house which we may consider as our ancestral house—our axis; the center which holds our family together. Perhaps it has lost some cheerfulness and innocent rumblings that has filled the house when my younger cousins were still there, that is before they totally move in to their house in Pampanga. And how it feels significantly different without my little cousins’ childish intrusions to my private reverie! Just when I exactly needed distractions especially on times like these.

Okay, so what’s the crux of this highly personal and melancholic rant? I seem to mature slowly—oh yeah that’s the crux! But I honestly feel secure and absolutely comfortable when my family is around. It seems that five years of studying in college and three years of teaching in which I am forced to be away from my family—I have not yet fully acquired the necessary strength to go beyond my comfort zones. I am still at a constant loss for strength when it comes to change. My deep aversion to sudden transition which puts me off-guard has been a weakness I’m trying to overcome.

It is just that moving on is an element of life that I have yet to master. Let’s just say for now that I am still freaked out by changes—and that, moving on—although I have already been accepting a lot of changes in my life for the last eight years since I studied and taught in college. Some of them actually were painful and staggeringly unbearable to accept, but looking back, I did come through them—or still in the process of coming through them. And I’ve decided for myself that I would move on and come out stronger and better person despite the odds and complications in my life.

I admire those people who do not flinch with the slightest thought of change. It’s as if I am the only one who is afraid of the reality of time and space. What happened to my logic was just as bewildering to me as my confusion to determine reality from illusion, or truth from fiction. Maybe I am just too careless and unconscious of my own existence that’s why things do not seem to make sense at all.

Isn’t it funny how I’m able to pinpoint my own mistakes and weaknesses and every other things that strangle me, yet I can not find the guts to release myself so that I may breathe? I know my shortcomings and where my misgivings are, but it tortures me to get rid of them completely.

I have already tried to leave behind what were unnecessary to my existence, and even though I know they still lurk somewhere near, waiting for my attention, I will never return to them. Perhaps it would be hard for me in the long run to leave some things that already defined my being—but it’s worth the shot. It’s not with these things that will define me, or my future, or yeah, my destiny.

And I don’t want these unnecessary things to take over the life in me.

The warrior in me will overcome. That's the only thing that will matter in the end.

Dancing Crystals

(Throwback. Poem dated June 2006. And all because it's raining the whole day today and I'm stuck in the house. Cheers!)


I open my hands
          trembling on every beat
      getting numb on every swing
             of the cold and bewildering
            dancing crystals
                that were sent from the heavens
      to wash away the dirt
               and brokenness and hurt
                        from this abandoned soul...

       I stand still
my feet firm on the ground
               felt the stern soil
                     becomes soft and muddy
            I struggled to face
      the darkened skies
                        billowing clouds above...

My eyes feel the pain
        yet fell on a trance
            deep and profound
                        that I can't resist...

I close my eyes
       internalized the beat
        and I let my tired heart
    succumb to the rhythm
                 and dance in the rain...

Damned Fairytale

It’s the same old, stinking story.

And no doubt it will go on and on in this country which is already fraught with disillusion, chiefly perpetrated by those false prophets who persist on existing in the government and in the sorry state of Philippine politics—without shame.

They will keep on telling their blasphemous stories to every corner of this pitiable archipelago, unrestrained by their feral thirst for power and wealth and self-preservation. And then the helpless Filipino people will fall prey and again be dazzled by the image these pretentious, self-made redeemers try to pose in front of the camera, devouring every little opportunity to appear decent around the media hype on which they build their eccentric ambitions and political dreams.

There’s just so much apathy and indifference in the country that already made people to lose the remaining shred of hope to come through. There are so many crises that continue to paralyze the society and it seems that there’s no one here who is capable of making sense out of this social ills. It seems that everyone in the government only exist for their own interest and self-aggrandizement.

Of course, politics in this side of the universe lacks the very fundamental element that defines the word, more so on its purpose for existence. It lacks the noble notion that government must be by the people and from the people and for the people. It sorely shames the grand idea that a public office is a public trust. How shameful have we become as a people!

It’s just natural to feel the rage with what is happening recently in the Philippine politics. The multi-billion peso Pork Barrel Scam which is allegedly perpetrated by a certain Janet Lim-Napoles using bogus Non-Government Organizations (NGOs) that served as conduits for government funds was a shocking revelation. What is more shocking however, what is more epically shocking is that our honorable members of the Congress—our respected Senators and House Representatives of the republic—claim that they do not know anything about it. When the issue was brought into the public light, none of these honorable congressmen really seem to have the slightest idea of what happened with their very own Pork Barrel; no one really seem to be accountable. 

Everyone denied involvement. Everyone just had amnesia. That is epic.

And Janet Lim-Napoles was left on her own to weave an epic tale of lies and disgusting fairytale; and then she went into hiding. And then the government embarked into a mission now notoriously known as the greatest manhunt in these turbulent times—pursuing her not because of misuse of billions of government funds but by illegally detaining a prospective witness to the scam. One may ask, what the hell is that? That is government idiocy in epic proportions.

With that, the honorable members of the Congress especially those who were involved in the scam were given a chance to lick their own wounds in public, and were quick to favor the abolition of the Pork Barrel system (perhaps the main reason why they keep on running for political positions), when waves of public sentiments began pounding the government. Just like that, the villains masqueraded themselves as one with the people in this noble cause; just like that—like changing of clothes or clicking the switch—the honorable congressmen made themselves untouchable. But for how long?

The people are already used to this kind of maneuvers; and they are already thinking.

The initiative of the people yesterday in Luneta Park, on a day which commemorates the noble heroes of this nation, on a place where the country’s most brilliant mind in the person of Dr. Jose Rizal is enshrined, is no less than symbolic of the Filipino’s outrage against our plight. It solidifies our resolve to see a clean and effective government. It signifies our intention to make this nation break through. And it sends signals to those villains, to those who try to steal from the people; to those who ignore our rights…that power belongs to the people. And that the people are watching them with their eyes… and with their clenched fists and firm voices, they will shake this nation. They will redeem this nation.

Like warriors in fairy tales; like real heroes of their country of birth…they will unsheathe their swords of noble ideals and slay the witches and dragons.

And this epic tale will be told for generations, in kingdoms far away…

(Google image)

What the Mirage Taught Me

There’s one interesting thing about mirage that I am most fascinated about. It is that they tricked you of being real and of being there, yet after approaching it to have a closer look, they suddenly fade away. And just like that, they disappear and gone forever. Makes you wonder what they are and where they are going.

Well, life sometimes is like that. You come to a point where you just realize that some things in life are only there temporarily. Little objects or some phenomena that are transitory, slowly fading away like a haze or a wisp. In a blink of an eye or in a heartbeat, they are gone forever.

Ephemeral. 

Life itself is like that—ephemeral. Philosophers call it existential. Pragmatics has an aversion to its inevitability. The bible renders this matter-of-fact: it is just a passing breath; a flower that quickly fades. This is all liberating when one internalizes its profound meaning. And I am at a constant loss for meaning when faced with such lofty ideas.

All I know is this: I don’t want my life to be a mirage. I don’t want the world or people to say, “Is it really there, or is it not?” I will honor my existence in this life—no matter how transitory it really is—by making the world realize that I was here.

And as one nugget of wisdom says: I am but a speck in the vastness, but I am here to make a dent in this universe.

Love and Distance

Earlier as I was preparing my usual morning regimen of hot coffee with a lot of creamer and sugar, I overheard my aunt on my paternal side and her husband having a light conversation together with their 2-months old baby, Precious Jirah. I heard tito was playing childishly with his daughter, prompting the little baby to converse with him, or hoping to just make some baby sounds. Jirah seem to ignore whatever is going on around her innocent world. This scene of a happy family enjoying the early morning hours went on for few more minutes.

And this all happened in front of a laptop computer... over this internet communication tool called Skype.

My aunt's husband, Totie, is an OFW in the Middle East. After they were married last year, tito went on to work for their future abroad. Typical Filipino reality, if I may say. I personally know many people who are under this reality--this is all too familiar. And yet for me, it is still too confounding and a little too disturbing. It all the more becomes discomforting and absurd when you think of the reason about why people leave families and relatives behind to work abroad. Do they really want to go abroad and leave sons and daughters in the first place? Or are they just forced to, because of necessity, because of the need to, because of the inability of this government to provide decent work that will provide decent salary and not just to subsist? Okay, it's just my rants. But no apologies.

Looking at my aunt's family...looking at their young daughter--I think about her future and how money from abroad will help build it. And I take consolation in that. Maybe, that would suffice. Maybe for people who leave behind families, they take comfort in that thought. And they went on to defy distance because of love.

Me? Haaayy, man I hate distance.

Baby's Day Out:)

I left the university yesterday and went home just to play with these little kiddos and to draw strength from them. Arkin Ianjay, my nephew, now turning 5-months old, and Princess Jirah, my cousin, going 3-months old, are the two most recent addition to our big, happy family. These two cute and cuddly little bundles of fun constantly make me look forward to a homecoming.

What fascinates me most about babies is the quiet confidence (and faith) they possess. They are not bothered nor terrified. They know someone is constantly looking-out for them, taking care of them. No wonder God wants us to have this child-like faith and child-like wonder and innocence. I mean child-like, not childish. Haha. Magkaiba yun noh! 

In a child-like wonder, we should be reminded that Someone out there is constantly looking-out for us, caring for us, and unfailingly loving us...despite and in spite of us.

I am a child in awe of You, my Abba Father 

:

:

"Out of the mouth of babes and nursing infants, You have ordained strength..."

-Psalm 8:2