Where things make sense

I had this picture as wallpaper on my laptop for quite sometime now. I don't know, but perhaps it's already in my subconscious to be so attracted to anything related to heartbreak. Or anything remotely related to it even.

Or perhaps I can so easily identify with just any and every hyper-romanticized notion of brokenness, thinking that nothing makes sense until one is broken. That is the curse of being a romanticist, I guess. Of being a sentimentalist slash idealist, whatever is more appropriate.

No, I have this wallpaper and the phrase from a song that goes with it to remind me of something more. To remind me of the breaking that God allowed in my life so that everything would make sense. After all, it was in the breaking points that I have found what is truly valuable in this world and in the next. It was in the breaking points that I have managed to see that there is so much more in this life.

Break my heart for what break Yours...

That is my prayer, my creed, my virtue. To be broken by the things of God. To feel the brokenness of this world and to try to offer healing and restoration. God, let my heart break for the things that break your heart...

What we are

Perhaps, broken is what we really are. I oftentimes like to think that in this wonderful cosmic drama, we're just debris floating in endless space and wandering aimlessly. With nowhere to go. But I was quite wrong about that, thankfully. I realized that we're not just bits of a broken puzzle but pieces meant for a masterpiece that is beyond our hopelessly limited imagination. We're parts and parcel of a greater whole, of a grander story. We are glorious ruins floating ceaselessly on grace and love of a Savior.

Oh, what wonderful ruins we are!

*******

"Glorious Ruins"

When the mountains fall

And the tempest roars You are with me

When creation folds

Still my soul will soar on Your mercy

I'll walk through the fire

With my head lifted high

And my spirit revived in Your story

And I'll look to the cross

As my failure is lost

In the light of Your glorious grace

Let the ruins come to life

In the beauty of Your Name

Rising up from the ashes

God forever You reign

And my soul will find refuge

In the shadow of Your wings

I will love You forever

And forever I'll sing

When the world caves in

Still my hope will cling to Your promise

Where my courage ends

Let my heart find strength in Your presence

Thank you for the broken heart

I didn't like to be hurt. I have ran as fast as I could to spare me from that painful truth that would haunt me for the rest of my life. I've tried to veer away from the high road of moving on and instead preferred to stuck myself in my own, lonely world. I've hoped that this self-inflicted pain would soon drown me relentlessly and fiercely--so that nothing would be left but anguish and regret. All I wanted was to be free and be full and be able to do what I want. Not knowing that the things I could have given my life for were the same things that would take the very life in me.

So I ran away, broken as a man could have never been broken before. I never thought to find grace in the place that I was brought low, and sure to die in. But it was there that you have found me. It was in the pit of misery and sin and hopelessness that your grace have met me. It was in that dark dungeon of self-pity and self-destruction that you offered restoration. You have bought my humiliation and nailed it and left it hanging on a wooden cross so that the world will see that this is how much you love me.

But why? For a sinful, prideful, lowlife like me? How could you ran after a man who have given his life to his own pleasures and vanity and self-seeking ambitions? How could you dare allow yourself and your glory and your royalty to be bitten, spat on and be butchered for me? I have done so much to be more than deserving of what they've done to you. It was supposed to be me!

Now your blood was on me. But instead of blaming me for that, you have pardoned me and have set me free. And in the process you have let me realize that love has to be that way--sacrifice. It's the deepest love, the one that would give life to a person even if it would cause the life of another. Indeed, greater love has no one than this. I thought I've been broken before I've met you. But I was wrong. I was broken on the day you've met me. I had full of pride and selfishness that needed to be torn down. My will and my heart were impenetrable, but your love has broken them down--all for my own good. And it was very liberating.

I thank you for the broken heart, because through it, I have seen everything.

God-broken pieces

I was de-cluttering our study room earlier when I stumbled upon this book beneath the debris of old papers from my academe years and stacks of hardcovers I piled up over time. I borrowed this from a friend long ago and I didn't know this was still under my custody.

Apologies to the owner though, I never finished reading the whole book. Actually, I never got past chapter 2. And I don't want to finish it. Why is that? Well let's just say that I learned the hard way instead. For some reasons, I once got my heart broken for things I thought I was already prepared for, and I realized that experience is truly a good teacher. 

The thing is, the world breaks you. People break you. And it's not an option that once you got broken, you have to do the mending. Because it's the only way. I'm just glad I stayed strong, and I was made strong in the places I was broken. 

So, can we actually mend and doctor a broken heart? God can. If you give Him all the pieces without any reservation.

When God says let go

Here we go again. Well it’s not my fault that when I opened my radio this evening, my default AM channel, DZAS is blaring an impassioned sermon about letting go by Christian writer and preacher Chuck Swindoll. Pastor Chuck of course has been a household name for me growing up in a rather reserved Christian family, and his preaching are not really that unfamiliar and foreign to me.

But what struck me this time was not Pastor Chuck’s highly convicted homiletic as usual. What struck me most and what prompted me to write this rather impulsive sentiment was the resounding message which I believe was directed at me. The target was locked in precision, and like a homing missile found its way into me and blasted everything for all it was worth.

And for all it was worth, I was again reminded that letting go is truly a daily battle that must be fought. And most of the time, it must be fought within the deepest recesses of the soul. I was just glad that I am now learning its most important lessons, and I’m now on the way to fully appreciating all the good things that comes out of that letting go.

Pastor Chuck’s illustration for tonight’s message is the life of Abraham, specifically his obedience to sacrifice his son Isaac to God. Of course, when letting go and great obedience is discussed, Abraham always tops the list. Besides, he was not considered in the bible as the father of faith for nothing. His life is marked by great tests, and great steps toward those tests. He was asked to go out of his comfort zone and leave everything behind to go to somewhere he wasn’t sure of; he was asked to trust in a promise which common sense considers as impossible; and most importantly, he was tested to give up something (or someone) he loves very much.

And that’s where the message hit home: I believe in God, but the question is, do I believe in God as Abraham did with full conviction? Will I be willing to be tested, and when I’d be given tests, will I respond in faith or in fear? Will I surrender my comfort and something I love for the sake of obedience?

I have already surrendered some things in my life that I thought would eternally make me happy. I was mistaken to believe that things of this world are here to stay. It took heartbreaking God-moments before I came to realize that. And I am grateful.

So now I resolve to obey continually. I want to slay the dragons of disobedience and unbelief. I will not only surrender to God, but also respond in faith. I know that the battle is hard, but it has already been won. The battle has been fought well, and I am now taking charge.

(Google image)

11:11

It all started with a wish.

You’ll never think that magic was real the moment you are captivated by it face to face. You got to believe it was real because you can see it, because you can feel it, because you just knew deep inside you that if this isn’t real, then what else is real?

I was already disillusioned that love for me was just a romantic notion of an idealized fairy-tale; that love is nothing but hyper-reality and that romantic feelings are nothing more than that: ‘feelings’.

I’ve already grown accustomed to exclusion and silence ever since my first attempt at a romantic relationship failed and came crashing on me like tumbling flood—it left me devastated at the least. And that is just an underestimation. When you give your all for the sake of love, you’re giving a big part of yourself to that person who came to compliment your existence. And when that person—your all, your reality and dream, your center, your meaning—leaves without promising to return, you feel so isolated, you feel so denied of the right to be happy…you feel so broken that the next thing you want to do was to end it all and vanish.

But then I came through, like all people do. I moved on, like we always do. I lived.

Coming from that experience, I willed to myself to avoid the call of romantic love for the meantime and focus on more necessary matters in my life that calls for my attention; and also to get rid of unnecessary entanglements which have become my worst battles. I almost succeeded in doing that, and I was so proud of myself. I was slowly taking progress. Getting over a painful experience is really hard, but it was possible. It was necessary.

So I was on my way to thinking that love is just a Hollywood construct. I was ready to dismiss it as a myth that has been told to generations so that people can make sense of their world in the absence of a concrete and more acceptable explanations. I’ve grown skeptical about its meaning, and the more I refer to my past experience the more I strongly feel that it is not really necessary to one’s existence.

Or at least mine. (Read: Bitter. Haha)

But then, whoever said that corny, shallow, insensible, exaggerated, hyper-reality quote “love moves in mysterious ways” maybe right, and I admit. I didn’t imagine that love is indeed a force that will make or break you, or a magic that puts you under spell. I wasn’t prepared for that magic this time inasmuch as I’m still not prepared to be swooped by it again. But then, there is no telling what love can do when it comes. There is nothing one can do to rationalize love because love is not an intellectual pursuit, nor a state of emotional delusion, but something that gives you clarity. I realized then, it is not something to be found, but it is something that finds you.

And so, right before my eyes—in the most unnatural ways, in the most unexpected time, in the most unexpected place—it came all of a sudden. Without hows or whys or what ifs.

It has found me. And the world since then was filled with magic.

But I am writing this now not to tell a personal story (really?). Although mine and yours are stories which will always be interconnected in some ways by some invisible thread which holds life and destiny together.

I am writing this for you—to you who once taught me about magic and wishes and stories. I am writing this for you who once believed in the magic of love but seemed to have lost it because of life’s difficult situation and harsh realities.

I am writing this for you, to let you know that you are not alone. That people are there to stand side by side with you, to fight with you, to go with you. Just when you thought that nobody really understands, someone does. Just when you thought you already came full circle in your situation, life can still be better. And it will be. You just have to keep going, like you always did.

Your courage and determination is commendable, did you know that? No one really knows the real nature of your battles, but only because you are keeping a happy face and a head held high in the midst of life’s blows and mighty insults. Your strength lies on your ability to lighten up other people’s burden by simply being there, even though you yourself is in the midst of difficulty. You emit something positive wherever you are. You’re a powerhouse, an energy ball that sparkles even in the dark.

And to me you've given more than you can imagine. You allowed me to know that not everything can be understood by logic or reason. You made me realize that if I rationalize everything in this life, then I will miss the single chance to live. You taught me not to question all things, because not all things can be satisfied with an answer. You made me believe that I am capable of going beyond myself and be better than what I am.

You taught me the magic of happiness. You made me smile at simple things and laugh at the ordinary. You made me look up to the sky, in the light of day and in the dark of night. You made me enjoy the moon and the stars and their patterns...looking at them for signs and wonders, and making fancies and wishes... and that if this moment was already bound to happen, like you and me looking at the same constellation of cosmic objects floating in space, then it was just perfect. Magic and reality became one.

When it came to me that life is a circle of chaos and illusions, you offered me a clarity of vision...you encouraged me to trust again and take the step towards love and life. And when I'm about to surrender to the idea that I will never be good enough for someone, you proved me otherwise. You let me feel accepted for who I am.

You taught me to believe in myself and find courage even when things are complicated or impossible. It was you who taught me that I am capable of loving beyond my heart. To give and to understand more than I thought possible. To let go of myself and be true to what I feel... In the place called life and reality, you were the teacher, I was the student.

Yet in the end, words can not exactly tell it all. I can only say I’m glad and grateful. I will always will.

So let me remind you this time of what you already seem to have forgotten: that magic was real. That wishes can come true. That promises can be fulfilled. That forever, even though it’s hard to figure out, can be possible. That loving beyond your heart, although it seems to be so idealistic, and unreasonable (and sometimes stupid), is all worth it...it is all we aspire to do and what we all wish to have.

And that despite our mistakes and stubbornness, we can look ahead of our life with contentment and a happy heart, knowing that we can never really lose, we will never be defeated... because we have loved so deeply and completely.

And remember, true love exists. And because it exists, it is real. And because it is real, it is possible.

I know that for a fact. Because you taught me how, and you taught me well.

You just got to believe:)

When Pain is Beautiful

I was in UP Diliman the other day when I saw this thought-provoking, gut-wrenching graffiti on a wall at the side of the CSSP building. I really thought it was meant for me at that moment, otherwise, I wouldn't care.

And though I like to think that it wasn't really so much of a question but a piercing statement, this begs for an answer. Can someone please explain this to me?

Melancholy strikes again!

Point of No Return

Waking up this morning, I was reminded of a Sunday sermon I heard in Assemblies of God Church in San Jose City, which talked about THE inevitable circumstance on which you'll come to a point that you realize some things in your life are out of synch and without proper perspective. It suggests that all circumstance should be viewed in lieu of God's sovereign and impeccable will, which requires our total surrender.

Surrender. Big word. Such a powerful word. Not in the temporal and earthly sense which shallowly view surrender as defeat; but in the eternal sense on which it commands courage and daring and triumph beyond compare. I know I've been consciously and unconsciously avoiding that word for so long, making sure that it won't manifest in areas of my life on which I want to be in control. I've been selfish and stubborn and was addicted to the idea that if it feels good, then it must be fine. But my realizations lately came crashing down on me. I cannot anymore deny the fact that my circumstances are now calling me to a higher level of surrender and faith and obedience. I cannot anymore contain the agony of suppressing the personal convictions that I hold so dear and so necessary to my existence.

You know, the truth is at some point, one must really decide on what directions to take. It takes courage to do that. It takes faith to step into the unknown. It takes conviction to once and for all decide whether you continue holding on to what is left and so hard to fix; or you must let go and give God every detail and allow Him to do the work of restoration and rebuilding.

I have come now to a point wherein I must let go of myself and let God come through in whatever circumstance. I believe that some things in our lives must be shattered so that it will reveal only who we really are and identify where our allegiance is. Some things must be broken so that with every little pieces you give to God, He will make it into something beautiful. Something beyond expectations. Eventually, all things will fall into their proper and rightful places.

So, am I shattered yet? Oh yes I am. Broken for God's glory

Diary Entry 06.01.2013

Today, you brought her to the airport. There’s no denying the fact that you want to go back in time and eliminate all events and chances that led you here today. There’s no denying the reality that after this day, everything will return to their normal state: obscure, empty, and lacking sense. And when all you can do is hope that someday, in some other time and place everything will fall perfectly in the puzzle, you will wait. You will constantly count each passing moments, watching seconds turn into minutes, and minutes into hours, and hours into days, and days into years. And when all this is over, you’ll see whether everything you hoped for will come true, or will it just be another fragment of the broken puzzle you have tried to fix but wasn’t able to.

You’ve tried to put up a fighting stance to show the world that you can survive this. You really made up your mind that you are able to survive this on your own. You convinced the people closest to you—those who know the battle you are facing—that everything is under your control. You pretended that you are strong, that you are invincible, and that you are capable of coming through this unscathed and whole. But I know you very well; warts and all. I know how you suppressed the pain of trying to hold on to a broken piece. I know how hard you tried to escape all these, if only you can. I have felt the hurt stabbing you to the core of your being…leaving you defenseless and devastated.

I saw your feeble attempts to reach out to her even up to the last moments you are together. You were there with her family which you came to love and wish you’d still be a part of, and you sort of don’t like the idea that they are watching your mushy moments turn into a full-scale catastrophe (that’s an exaggeration, right?). And so you talked to her expectantly the night before her departure, wishing it would be a moment that both of you will look back with anticipation when the years were up. You told her you just want to make things clear for both of you, to have a serious decision about what to expect and how things should go along in the years that you will be apart from each other. You tried to convince her that everything will go well for both of you, if only the two of you will hold on, to look into the same direction, to wait and patiently wait for each other. You sincerely reassured her that you’ll keep on waiting, that distance is really irrelevant, and though time is a matter of fact, it won’t change how you feel for her. You promised that your love for her will be there every waking up and lying down.

And out of your desperate attempt to claim her confidence, you vowed to make the necessary changes she wanted to see in you. You promise her that you’ll take the time you are apart to improve yourself in all aspects, to develop your career, to establish a decent living and to work really hard…so that when she returns, she’ll be more proud of you…and you’ll be more capable and mature to handle your lives together.

But in the end, you felt so down. You felt so defeated. And by begging her to stay—or at least her feelings for you to remain, if there was any—you rendered yourself vulnerable. You were torn down to pieces when the reply came the way you least expected and never wished.

She said she doesn’t really know. She told you three years is a long time and it will be hard for both of you to live by expectations. Especially for you. She wants you to live your life unbounded by these unsure expectations. But at least I will wait until you come back, you said. We will see...when three years is over, san nen kan ato, she replied. But for the moment let time and space work its own way. Bahala na. If it’s meant to be, then it will be. You want to believe her. You’re dying for one, clear answer. Just one. Preferably a yes. At least one, solid answer. It’s confusing. You told her no matter what happens you’ll keep on waiting. She said she can’t make a promise. We will just go with the flow, she told you. You sensed fear in that.

But then you realize she was such a strong woman. You’ve known her to be an independent and daring and self-actualized person. She said she wants the three-year time and thousands of miles of distance to think about her life and reframe her self back into the picture. And you can’t blame her. You were there in each of her serious battles, and you were there when you almost lost her groping in the shadows of human frailty. And when she tried to convince you that you don’t deserve her anymore—that both of you doesn’t deserve each other anymore—you kept a blind eye, and using all the strength you can summon, you tried to hold on…just a little bit more…just one shot at hope which rendered itself so elusive.

You hardly slept that final night at the agency. You saw her family sleeping and you realized it’s harder for them to let her go. So much more painful. You convinced yourself that it will be fine. You cried yourself to sleep with the hope that the following morning will tell of a different story.

But it didn’t. And although you have already prepared for the worst; although you already spent all tears the last night and promised that you won’t cry anymore when “goodbyes” and “take care” were said and done, you still felt so heavy and your heart swollen…ready to break once more. And being the perpetual stubborn that you are, you repeated your script from last night hoping that it will mean differently today. You don’t easily surrender, do you, Mr. Hard-head? So you tell her again how much she means to you and that no matter what, it will never, never change. She managed to smile; you want to take that as an assurance, but not really.

And when she went beside you, leaned closer to you, laid her arm on your shoulder and kissed you one last time, you suppressed the heavy emotions from showing off. You almost managed to. But when she told you that “it’s going to be okay…everything’s gonna be fine”, you just can’t hold it anymore. Your heart cried out, and your tear-ducts gave in. And all you can say with your voice breaking was: “mag-iingat ka dun ha? Alagaan mo lagi yang sarili mo…” So you convince yourself that after all, everything’s gonna be fine.

But not today. It’s not going to be okay. Maybe someday, tomorrow or next year…or the following year, or the year after that. Maybe someday when time has worked its magic once more. When time begins its healing process. But definitely not today.

Because today, she’s leaving. Today, a great part of you will go with her, and it may leave a gaping hole in your heart that may be hard to fill in. Because all those times you shared together won’t just easily go away. The memories you both created and the plans you built together will take much time to forget. Remember what you said before? That the first girl you’ll court is the one you’ll marry? Yeah, I know you expected so much from this, and you really worked hard to make it all work. I know you loved her like nobody has ever loved anybody before. And she loved you as well. You two promised each other never to let go. But then, love is a mystery. You can never really predict what’s gonna happen next. And now you are bracing yourself for the unexpected, trying to face the reality that after all, things might go against your plans. You’re now face to face with the unknown.

But then, you are a warrior. Don’t you ever forget that. I still believe in that part of you: fighter, stubborn, and hard-headed—in a positive way. Just like before, you will pick yourself up, and show the world and the people around you that you can. That indeed, this is just another piece for that grand and lofty masterpiece that your King has prepared for you. Won't you give Him all the broken pieces now and allow Him to do the mending? Won’t you return now, Warrior Prince?

And by the way, happy 15th monthsary. For me, it’s been a wonderful 1 year and 3 months with you.Arigato Gozaimasu. Sayonara.

Goodbye, my beautiful distraction…