You’ve tried to put up a fighting stance to show the world that you can survive this. You really made up your mind that you are able to survive this on your own. You convinced the people closest to you—those who know the battle you are facing—that everything is under your control. You pretended that you are strong, that you are invincible, and that you are capable of coming through this unscathed and whole. But I know you very well; warts and all. I know how you suppressed the pain of trying to hold on to a broken piece. I know how hard you tried to escape all these, if only you can. I have felt the hurt stabbing you to the core of your being…leaving you defenseless and devastated.
I saw your feeble attempts to reach out to her even up to the last moments you are together. You were there with her family which you came to love and wish you’d still be a part of, and you sort of don’t like the idea that they are watching your mushy moments turn into a full-scale catastrophe (that’s an exaggeration, right?). And so you talked to her expectantly the night before her departure, wishing it would be a moment that both of you will look back with anticipation when the years were up. You told her you just want to make things clear for both of you, to have a serious decision about what to expect and how things should go along in the years that you will be apart from each other. You tried to convince her that everything will go well for both of you, if only the two of you will hold on, to look into the same direction, to wait and patiently wait for each other. You sincerely reassured her that you’ll keep on waiting, that distance is really irrelevant, and though time is a matter of fact, it won’t change how you feel for her. You promised that your love for her will be there every waking up and lying down.
And out of your desperate attempt to claim her confidence, you vowed to make the necessary changes she wanted to see in you. You promise her that you’ll take the time you are apart to improve yourself in all aspects, to develop your career, to establish a decent living and to work really hard…so that when she returns, she’ll be more proud of you…and you’ll be more capable and mature to handle your lives together.
But in the end, you felt so down. You felt so defeated. And by begging her to stay—or at least her feelings for you to remain, if there was any—you rendered yourself vulnerable. You were torn down to pieces when the reply came the way you least expected and never wished.
She said she doesn’t really know. She told you three years is a long time and it will be hard for both of you to live by expectations. Especially for you. She wants you to live your life unbounded by these unsure expectations. But at least I will wait until you come back, you said. We will see...when three years is over, san nen kan ato, she replied. But for the moment let time and space work its own way. Bahala na. If it’s meant to be, then it will be. You want to believe her. You’re dying for one, clear answer. Just one. Preferably a yes. At least one, solid answer. It’s confusing. You told her no matter what happens you’ll keep on waiting. She said she can’t make a promise. We will just go with the flow, she told you. You sensed fear in that.
But then you realize she was such a strong woman. You’ve known her to be an independent and daring and self-actualized person. She said she wants the three-year time and thousands of miles of distance to think about her life and reframe her self back into the picture. And you can’t blame her. You were there in each of her serious battles, and you were there when you almost lost her groping in the shadows of human frailty. And when she tried to convince you that you don’t deserve her anymore—that both of you doesn’t deserve each other anymore—you kept a blind eye, and using all the strength you can summon, you tried to hold on…just a little bit more…just one shot at hope which rendered itself so elusive.
You hardly slept that final night at the agency. You saw her family sleeping and you realized it’s harder for them to let her go. So much more painful. You convinced yourself that it will be fine. You cried yourself to sleep with the hope that the following morning will tell of a different story.
But it didn’t. And although you have already prepared for the worst; although you already spent all tears the last night and promised that you won’t cry anymore when “goodbyes” and “take care” were said and done, you still felt so heavy and your heart swollen…ready to break once more. And being the perpetual stubborn that you are, you repeated your script from last night hoping that it will mean differently today. You don’t easily surrender, do you, Mr. Hard-head? So you tell her again how much she means to you and that no matter what, it will never, never change. She managed to smile; you want to take that as an assurance, but not really.
And when she went beside you, leaned closer to you, laid her arm on your shoulder and kissed you one last time, you suppressed the heavy emotions from showing off. You almost managed to. But when she told you that “it’s going to be okay…everything’s gonna be fine”, you just can’t hold it anymore. Your heart cried out, and your tear-ducts gave in. And all you can say with your voice breaking was: “mag-iingat ka dun ha? Alagaan mo lagi yang sarili mo…” So you convince yourself that after all, everything’s gonna be fine.
But not today. It’s not going to be okay. Maybe someday, tomorrow or next year…or the following year, or the year after that. Maybe someday when time has worked its magic once more. When time begins its healing process. But definitely not today.
Because today, she’s leaving. Today, a great part of you will go with her, and it may leave a gaping hole in your heart that may be hard to fill in. Because all those times you shared together won’t just easily go away. The memories you both created and the plans you built together will take much time to forget. Remember what you said before? That the first girl you’ll court is the one you’ll marry? Yeah, I know you expected so much from this, and you really worked hard to make it all work. I know you loved her like nobody has ever loved anybody before. And she loved you as well. You two promised each other never to let go. But then, love is a mystery. You can never really predict what’s gonna happen next. And now you are bracing yourself for the unexpected, trying to face the reality that after all, things might go against your plans. You’re now face to face with the unknown.
But then, you are a warrior. Don’t you ever forget that. I still believe in that part of you: fighter, stubborn, and hard-headed—in a positive way. Just like before, you will pick yourself up, and show the world and the people around you that you can. That indeed, this is just another piece for that grand and lofty masterpiece that your King has prepared for you. Won't you give Him all the broken pieces now and allow Him to do the mending? Won’t you return now, Warrior Prince?
And by the way, happy 15th monthsary. For me, it’s been a wonderful 1 year and 3 months with you.Arigato Gozaimasu. Sayonara.
Goodbye, my beautiful distraction…
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