Possibilities

It always goes down to making a choice isn't it? It always goes down to deciding whether to stay or to leave. To stop or to go on. Life, I guess, doesn't offer you an easy way of making decisions, or an easy way out. I learned that it's an inevitable part of life that if you want something, then at some point you have to give up something in exchange. You can not do all things. And you can not have all things as well. But even if life seems complicated at times, we are not powerless to define it. In fact, people are given the capability and the responsibility to direct it through our own choices. And standing for those choices despite random confusion around us.

As they say, life is not a series of chances, but a series of choices. But what choices will you make?

I remember my choice to study in CLSU despite my dream of studying in some lucrative and top school in Metro Manila. I was to graduate at the top of my high school class and people are expecting me to pursue the "top universities" for my college education, some even encouraging and convincing my parents to sacrifice sending their "panganay" to these universities. But because of some considerations and possibilities, I made an inevitable decision. I made a choice that was to transform my life and everything. And I ended up in this more than 658-hectare campus--this large piece of land studded with different trees and imposing landscape--that in its grand and quiet dignity I immediately fell in love with, I am still in love with, and will forever be in love with.

I remember my choice to give up my desire to become a biologist. Yes, that was the first and only choice I've written on my CLSU application form. BS Biology was not an option for me then, when during my sophomore year in high school I made up my mind to take up biology as a course. And perhaps as a lifetime profession. So I made a choice, and I ended up in S1, a science section, along with other freshmen who wanted to take the same course. But after a year in a science section, I realized that perhaps biology isn't for me after all. Or that I am not for biology. So I started thinking of other possibilities. I started looking for something I really love, something that wouldn't feel as a job someday when I already started working, something meaningful for me. And that something, I later found out, is Social Sciences: a science of people and the community. I made a choice and a decision that would later teach me so many things about life--life that is not only viewed from the limited windows of the classroom or pages of a book or corners of the whiteboard, but LIFE that is breathing deeply, pulsating with energy, vibrant with hope and filled with purpose. I am not here to extol the virtues (because there are many) of my chosen course, the "science of the social", but in humble respect and recognition to the discipline and the people in it who molded me and grounded me in my person, I say these things. And I know I will say these again and again for many, many more times.

I remember my choice to stay in CLSU and work here right after graduation. Well yeah, I don't like to consider that as a work but a kind of paying-it-forward, due to lack of a more appropriate term. But I also remember the personal conflict I used to struggle with before applying for a teaching stint: I was like, "No dude, not here in CLSU. Teachers aren't paid well...you can get a much better work somewhere, blah blah blah..." My ego almost won that instance. Almost. But then I again made a decision that later on will tell something about what is more important to me and for me. Realizing that the opportunity to pay my "dues" to the discipline that molded me has come, I chose to stay. And it was one of the best choices I made. It was something that I will never regret. Four years of teaching in this university has taught me a lot of things (I will write another note for that, haha). I fell in love with the classroom as a workplace, no, not a workplace, but a platform that affects countless students and youth. For me it's like a form of reaching out to the future generation, planting seeds today that will be harvested tomorrow. I am proud of the teaching profession. Given the hardships and sacrifices of teachers just to accomplish the task of building the nation, isn't it the time that the government consider (again) giving teachers a better reward for their dedication? Or am I asking for too much? But I'm thinking of possibilities.

And now, I remember my choice and decision to leave the academe. To leave the profession from which I learned a lot from, that gave me more than I have given, that enlarged me in my person in ways I never expected. Here is the point where I don't have the appropriate words to say. But then again, it all boils down to making choices, isn't it? That at some point, you really have to decide. Well there are inevitable factors as there are reasonable justifications whether in staying or in leaving, but really, everything is made up of choices. But I am embracing my choices as I am embracing my possibilities. This life, I also learned, offers a lot of possibilities, and here I am again face to face with one. So here I am not saying goodbyes or farewells, but saying hello to possibilities.

With that, I remember this poem below by Emily Dickinson. It will perhaps convey the words I can not say myself. I just love the way it tugs into me, especially on this significant transition in my life. The title of the poem is "I dwell in Possibility":

"I dwell in Possibility –

A fairer House than Prose –

More numerous of Windows –

Superior – for Doors –

Of Chambers as the Cedars –

Impregnable of eye –

And for an everlasting Roof

The Gambrels of the Sky –

Of Visitors – the fairest –

For Occupation – This –

The spreading wide my narrow Hands

To gather Paradise."

So there, I guess it's time for me to spread wide my arms and gather paradise again. And yes with God, the best is yet to come...and I am ready

Here's to all possibilities!